Vanity Fear

A Pretentious A**hole's Guide to B-Movie Bullsh*t

Now's About the Time....

When I usually begin thinking about getting a jump on the latest week's Wynorski entry. 'Thinking' being the key word, since despite all my best intentions I almost inevitably end up watching the required movie at the last minute, forcing myself to come up with stuff to say about it just before I have to go to bed that Sunday night.

This week would have ended up being no different, were it not for the fact that I just remembered how fully booked I'm going to be Saturday and Sunday (I'm attending a local advertising industry awards show on the first night and seeing The Pixies perform Doolittle in its entirety on the second) and realized there's no way I'm going to find the time to watch a terrible soft-core sex movie starring Tanya Roberts and be able to write cogently about it (especially since I plan on being especially hungover on Sunday morning).

Were I a more ambitious and devoted blogger, I would attempt to correct this by writing the promised post now, but we all know that's not happening, so let's not kid ourselves. So, instead, I thought this week we might take a look at some of the reviews I've written recently for Flick Attack. Now I realize that all of you are already devoted Flick Attackers and dutifully visit the site each and every day, so this is probably a wasted effort on my part, but it beats producing original content, so what the hey.

WTF Musical Division:

 Times Square: Two teenage girls almost become lesbians, but then don't. Instead they enjoy charming hijinx on the mean streets while radio DJ Tim Curry makes them famous. I truly and deeply love this movie.

Sextette: A bizarre hate crime of a movie in which a group of filmmakers decided to cruelly indulge the pathetic whims of a senile old woman. Truly one of the most frightening films I have ever seen.

Saturday the 14th Strikes Back: While some may say that one musical number does not a musical make, I say it does when it's the only thing I actually remember happening in the movie.

Can't Stop the Music: I can honestly claim I have seen this Village People musical more times than I've seen Citizen Kane and I've seen Citizen Kane many, many times. True to the general tenor of my Flick Attack reviews, the central focus here is on Valerie Perrine's then ubiquitous boobies.


Remakes and Variations:

The Legend of the Lone Ranger: This forgotten flop proves that not every disaster gets to live on in "So-Bad-It's-Good" movie purgatory. I actually found it to be kinda charming, but then that may have been the nostalgia talking.

I Spit On Your Grave: I've never been shy about proclaiming my appreciation of Meir Zarchi's misunderstood masterwork, so you'd think I'd resent someone making a blatant cash grab by exploiting its infamy for a cheap Saw-inspired remake. Turns out, you'd have thought wrong.

Chained Heat: "But Allan," I imagine you proclaiming in a very high-pitched and annoying voice, so irritating it just really makes me want to--no offense--punch you right in the face, "Chained Heat wasn't a remake!" I never said it was (asshole!), but if you click the link and read the review you'll see how I noted its simularities to a much more respected prison saga that features several similar characters and a distinct absence of bras.


Funny Ha-Ha:

So Fine: Few people seem to remember this early 80s Ryan O'Neal comedy about a college professor who invents jeans with a see-through ass and bones Richard Kiel's hot Italian wife, which is a shame since it's pretty damn funny.

S.O.B.: Blake Edwards clearly thought there was money to be made exposing his wife's (Julie Andrews!) 46 year-old breasts on the big screen, so he wrote and directed an entire movie devoted to doing exactly that. It's why he's in heaven now, throwing pennies down onto Peter Sellers' head.

Kind Hearts and Coronets: Quite simply one of my favourite films of all time. 'Nuff said.

Happy Hour: From the mind behind the klassic Killer Tomato franchise, here's a comedy that stars Rich Little, Jamie Farr, Eddie Deezen and Tawny Kitaen that is actually pretty damn funny and worth seeking out.


Three That Start With 'B':

BMX Bandits: I can't decide which is cuter: 15 year-old Nicole Kidman or Australians pretending to make real movies like the grown-up countries do.

Breeders: This is a movie featuring a scene where a group of skanky 80s "actresses" are shown bathing in a pool filled with gooey alien semen, yet I still can't recommend it. Sometimes I even surprise myself.

Bitch Slap: I make some pretty big statements in this review and I stand by every single one of them. The greatest movie of all time? Probably not. The greatest test of strength the crotch of my pants has ever received? Definitely.