The ABCs of B-Movie Bullsh*t -- M is for Music

M

is for Music 

Yes, I know, M is for Monster. It doesn’t get more obvious than that, but Vanity Fear isn’t about the obvious. We’re all about the mofoin’ oblique bitches!

Sorry.

As important as Monsters are to B-Movies, I would argue that Music is just as important. Not only can Music turn a good B-Movie into a GREAT B-Movie (see my go-to-favourite example Halloween), but in many cases great B-Movies ONLY EXIST because of the Music they contained.

Y’see kids, there once was a time when people bought things called records. Records were collections of songs assembled together with the intention that they be listened to in the same order, each and every time! In most cases, records featured the work of ust one band or artist, which could often be boring and repetitive. It didn’t take long for smart folks to figure out that money could be made assembling records made out of random songs by different artists, but such are the rational, gotta-have-a-reason ways of this world, these folks had to think of ways to justify these random assemblages beyond the fact that they made shitloads of money.

So they made movies out of them!

Sure, they’d tell folks that they made the movies first and the records just sorta happened by accident, but we’re all grown ups.

We know the truth.

Ever seen a terrible B-Movie where the song licensing obviously cost more than the actual production (The Last American Virgin)? Ever seen a terrible B-Movie based on a dance craze that was forgotten before its first screening ended (Thank God It’s Friday)? Ever seen the greatest movie ever made that some assholes think is stupid because they’re retarded morons (The Apple)? Then you know what I’m talking about.

In some cases having too awesome a soundtrack could prove to be a double-edged sword. It is widely speculated that the reason Patrick Swayze’s “lost” classic Skatetown U.S.A. has never been officially released in ANY home video format is due to the fact that the cost to relicense songs by Earth, Wind & Fire, The Rolling Stones and The Jacksons simply makes it more expensive than the investment is worht. Of course this could be total bullshit (it’s not like other movies haven’t simply replaced expensive songs with cheaper alternatives for home video releases), but it feels true and Vanity Fear is all about the feeling, not the reality.

M

is for Music

and

Music

means

Monsters can suck it

The ABCs of B-Movie Bullsh*t -- L is for Lost Worlds

L

is for Lost Worlds

There are two kinds of Lost Worlds when it comes to B-Movies. There are the far-off fantasy lands whose existences have been kept secret by their remote inaccessibility, such as those found in King Kong, The Lost Continent, Valley of the Gwangi, and pretty much every movie Doug McClure made in the 70s. And then there are the darker, more disturbing worlds that have risen following the loss of civilization as we know it. In Escape from New York, Mad Max, and their many, many low budget Italian duplicates, the Lost World is the one we’re lucky to have now.

Interestingly, neither seem like places anyone would want to live in. Both are inevitably treacherous and barbaric places where the strong feed on the weak. In the fantasy worlds of At the Earth’s Core and The People That Time Forgot, a wrong turn could lead to your being eaten by a dinosaur. In 1990: Bronx Warriors, Steel Dawn or Warriors of the Lost World you had to worry about mutants. In both you could easily end up enslaved by your fellow man.

I’ve always felt that beyond mere escapism the appeal of the Lost World film comes from the revelation that despite all of our apparent problems, things could be so much worse. Your job may suck and people may be ruder and more inconsiderate than you would prefer, but at least you don’t have to kill someone for a drink of water or worry about becoming a Tyrannosaurus’ latest meal. It also helps that these films tend to have women like Caroline Munro and Dana Gillespie in them, which admittedly downplays the potential misery, but still makes them heckuva lot of fun to watch.

L

is for Lost Worlds

and

Lost Worlds

are

Lots of Fun

The ABCs of B-Movie Bullsh*t -- K is for Kicking

K

is for Kicking

Kung Fu, Karate, Thai Kick-Boxing, Ninjitsu, Jeet Kune Do, Gymkata.

Experts (that is to say people who proudly display their collections of throwing stars and nunchucks) could easily spend hours discussing the many differences that make each of the many different fighting styles unique, but we all know this is mere wankery. In each case it’s all about kicking, even those that don’t actually allow you to use your legs, because the kicking I’m referring to is ass-kicking and ass-kicking is easily the most popular B-Movie genre of all time.

An encyclopedia’s worth of books could be written on the different subgenres alone. You’ve got martial arts movies, rape/revenge movies, vigilante movies, angry Vietnam vet movies, gang movies, female gang movies, biker movies, big tough Southern sheriff movies, prison movies, boxing movies, incorruptible cop movies, corrupt cop movies, kickboxing movies, secret tournament movies, redneck movies, big city folks forced to fight redneck movies, I could go one forever.

Fact is most people will go through their entire life without kicking any ass, or worse they’ll only know what it’s like to get their ass kicked. Ass­-kicking movies give them the catharsis they need to get through the day, knowing that out there somewhere the people who truly need their asses kicked might actually get their asses kicked as soon as they mess with the wrong motherfucker.

Every B-Movie fan has their favourite ­ass-kicking subgenre. Mine is the  rape/revenge movie, as exemplified by Day of the Woman (both the original and remake), Kill Bill 1&2, Ms. 45, Lipstick, Thriller: A Cruel Picture, and Savage Streets. For reasons I make clear in this recent Bookgasm review, I’ve always identified more with female protagonists than their male counterparts and thus always feel more satisfaction watching a hot chick some righteous ass.

What’s your favourite ass-kicking movie genre?

K

is for Kicking

and

Kicking

is

Kool

The ABCs of B-Movie Bullsh*t -- J is for Japanese

J

is for Japanese

There’s so much to talk about when it comes to Japanese B-Movie cinema. You’ve got your samurai films (which are essentially westerns where the guys carry swords instead of six shooters), bizarre supernatural horror tales, their infamous “pink” softcore porn films, bloody gangster films, as well as their unique brand of adult-themed animation, but the truth is that we here at Vanity Fear (and by “we”, we, of course, mean me, but I’m trying to keep it all professional and shit) only really care about one kind of Japanese B-Movie:

BIG RUBBER MONSTER WRECKS SHIT!

Serious movie buffs will tell you all about how the original B&W Gojira was a serious metaphor for Hiroshima and how the never-ending flood of sequels bastardized the concept and turned it into a laughably inane children’s series.

This is why serious movie buffs are assholes.

As works of pure unfettered juvenile imagination the Godzilla series (along with such adored imitators as the giant nuclear turtle Gamera) are pretty much unmatched in the annals of world cinema. Few are good, most are terrible, but taken together they’re nothing short of brilliant. From such pretentious beginnings true B-Movie Bullsh*t bloomed, resulting in the creation of that astonishing 1962 culmination of Japanese and American culture—Kingu Kongu tai Gojira.

Though there’s no truth to the rumor that separate endings were filmed in order to allow both combatants to win in their home countries (it actually ends in a much more disappointing tie), it is true that in the sequel Kingu Kongu no gyakushû our giant ape-y hero fights a robot version of himself.

Awesome doesn’t get more awesome than that.

J

is for Japanese

and

Japanese

is

Just Insane

The ABCs of B-Movie Bullsh*t -- I is for Italian

I

is for Italian

When people describe the virtues of the Italian culture, subtlety is a word you’ll almost never hear. If any one phrase can be used to sum up their artistic achievements and general philosophy towards life, it would have to be, “Go big or go home.” This is especially true when it comes to their filmmaking.

“But Allan,” I hear some of you whine pitifully, “what about the Italian neo-realists like Rossellini and De Sica? Surely they weren’t extravagant or over the top?”

“Nonsense!” I shout back authoritatively. “For all of their authenticity, Rome, Open City and The Bicycle Thief are also clearly in-your-face diatribes against the fake glamour of traditional cinema. In that way, they are about as subtle as a swift kick to the meatballs.”

This is especially true of Italian B-movie cinema, a world that famously ranges from sword and sandal period tales featuring Hercules and Machiste, to spaghetti westerns to raunchy sex comedies (hopefully starring Edwige Fenech) to gross-out cannibal/zombie movies to noir crime dramas to cheesy sci-fi to the classic giallo thrillers. It’s hard to think of a single genre the Italians haven’t given their own spin on.

Beyond their often-prurient focus on sex and violence, Italian B-movies were notable for the use of M.O.S. sound, the process in which dialogue isn’t recorded on set, but instead added via ADR during post-production. The result is a strangely detached, almost dreamlike quality where the spoken words never quite exactly match the movement of the speaker’s lips—even when spoken in the language used during production.

The history of Italian B-movies is far too vast to sum up in a brief entry such as this, but some notable names to look up would be Mario Bava, Lucio Fulci, Dario Argento, Luigi Cozzi, Lamberto Bava, Dino Di Laurentiis, Sergio Leone, Carlo Ponti, Ruggero Deodato, Joe D’Amato, Tinto Brass, Umberto Lenzi and the already mentioned Ms. Fenech.

I

is for Italian

and

Italian

is

Incredible

The ABCs of B-Movie Bullsh*t -- H is for Hammer

H

is for Hammer 

By 1955 Britain’s Hammer Film Productions had been around for 21 years and was only barely surviving by rapidly pumping out “quota-quickies”—low budget films of dubious quality that often played to empty theaters in order to meet the government-regulated demand for homegrown cinema.

That all changed that year, when they released the film adaptation of a chilling radio thriller about an obsessive scientist chasing after the rapidly mutating participant of his latest rocket experiment. The Quartmass Experiment quickly became the company’s biggest hit. They immediately followed it with two more sci-fi thrillers (X the Unknown and the sequel to Quartermass), but it was another horror effort that changed their fortunes and turned them in their country’s most famous exporter of B-movie greatness.

With The Curse of Frankenstein Hammer chanced upon a brilliant formula: Take the monsters made famous by Universal studios over 20 years earlier and update them with all of the blood, violence and (most importantly) sex they could hope to get away with. In 1958 that wasn’t much, but it was enough to cause a sensation. Critics were scandalized, while audiences were thrilled.

The resulting box office convinced Hammer to go all in. Adaptations featuring their versions of Dracula, the Wolfman, the Mummy, the Phantom of the Opera, cavemen, lost worlds, zombies, reptilemen and every kind of murderer they could think of soon followed. These films turned British character actors Peter Cushing and Christopher Lee into marquee stars, while their true appeal lay in the constant supply of European starlets who lent their heaving cleavages to the productions. Ask any Hammer fan to name their favourite and they’re likely to run out of breathe and faint before they get even close to stopping (Madeline Smith, Raquel Welch, Ursulla Andress, Kate O’Mara, Martine Beswick, Caroline Munro, Stephanie Beacham, Ingrid Pitt, Valerie Leon, Yvonne Romain…and that’s just off the top of my head).

If during the sixties these films represented a constant battle between sex and violence, it was clear by the seventies that sex had won. Lesbian themes were introduced into films like The Vampire Lovers, twin playmates were given the title roles in Twins of Evil and naked Nastassja Kinski was the only apparent justification for To the Devil a Daughter. That said, the studio still managed to produce several truly great films, including Captain Kronos: Vampire Hunter and the imaginative Stevenson adaptation Dr. Jekyll and Sister Hyde.

Following the failure of To the Devil, the studio finally closed its doors, only to reopen them in the past few years. Unfortunately the resulting films have yet to suggest any reason why fans of the original studio’s output should care.

H

is for Hammer

and

Hammer

is

Hot!

The ABCs of B-Movie Bullsh*t -- G is for Gore

G

is for Gore

Herschell Gordon Lewis was always ahead of the curve. A few years earlier he had teamed up with famous exploitation movie producer David F. Friedman and started grinding out a series of “nudie cuties” (fake “documentaries” of nudist colonies that attempted—mostly unsuccessful—to justify the sight of busty beauties playing nude volleyball as educational), but the market was becoming over-saturated. A new gimmick was needed, all he had to do was figure out what people wanted that they weren’t currently getting.

With Blood Feast, Lewis found his gimmick and movies were never really the same again.

In the past acts of violence were always either shown off screen or depicted as unrealistically as possible (how man western villains died from gunshot wounds that produced no blood or visible wounds?). Lewis changed all that—well, the first part anyway (no one would ever accuse his films of being realistic). Where once filmmakers were content to merely allow audiences to imagine the carnage their characters had wrought, Lewis filmed it all in excruciating, pornographic detail. If Hitchcock’s famous shower scene featured 77 different shots, but not a single one in which the knife penetrated Janet Leigh’s body, then Lewis’ equivalent would have been done in one long take of the knife cutting through flesh, muscle and bone, causing a geyser of blood to splash against the camera lens.

The result was box office magic. Lewis quickly followed his success with a series of gory movies that became more surreal and strange as it went on (to stretch out the running time of The Gruesome Twosome, for example, he inserted shots of two inanimate wig mannequins having a conversation with each other). Strangely, few filmmakers immediately attempted to replicate his success. It turned out that even hardened B-Movie opportunists had limits.

Still, the floodgates had been opened and it was only a matter of time before the inevitable river of blood flowed through them. As the audience for such films grew, master technicians like Tom Savini developed the artistry required to make this violence as true to life as possible. This resulted in an equally inevitable backlash. To this day when people describe horror films as a form of pornography, they are almost always referring to those that emphasize gore over suspense.

G

is for Gore

and

Gore

is

Great

The ABCs of B-Movie Bullsh*t -- F is for Freaks

F

is for Freaks 

When we hear the word “freak” our minds automatically leap to the deformed human oddities presented for our twisted amusement in carnival tent shows, but the true essence of the word is that of someone uniquely special who stands out from the rest of mainstream society. By this definition, “freak” not only refers to the kinds of characters most often found and celebrated in B-Movies, but also the audience members most likely to reject traditional Hollywood entertainment in favour of the less popular, lower budgeted alternatives.

In mainstream films, protagonists are carefully crafted to be as universally likable and relatable as possible. They’re just like us only better and much more attractive. They represent the person we want to see in our mirrors. B-Movie protagonists, on the other hand, are much more likely to be the people we actually see in our mirrors. They are outsiders. They have flaws.

They are freaks.

Sometimes this is a deliberate choice on the part of the filmmakers; sometimes it’s the accidental result of having to cast a cheap, but otherwise talented actor who isn’t handsome enough to make the A-list. It doesn’t matter. The main benefit of making genre, niche films is that you can afford to not please everyone—your investment isn’t big enough to demand that you whitewash reality in order to please the greatest number of people.

And this is a major reason why B-Movie buffs are attracted to these often flawed films. In most cases they are freaks themselves and more closely identify with flawed heroes than the Golden Gods Hollywood would prefer we worship and admire.

F

is for Freaks

and

Freaks

are

Fabulous

The ABCs of B-Movie Bullsh*t -- E is for Exploitation

E

is for Exploitation

When most people hear the term “exploitation movie” they tend to imagine kidnapped runaways forced to perform sexual acts against their will by sweaty goateed pornographers. The real meaning of the term, though, is much more benign and seldom, if ever, involves actual slavery.

When it was originally conceived, the term simply referred to any low budget movie that exploited a specific gimmick in order to convince theatergoers to buy a ticket. The nature of the gimmick could literally be anything—a bizarre concept, the promise of risqué nudity, the acting debut of a non-acting celebrity, the pretense of educational content in order to disguise taboo subject matter, extreme violence, a plot ripped straight from today’s headlines, weird promotional campaigns that had nothing to do with the film itself, etc.

The one common factor that united these films was that they were specifically made for one reason: To earn as much money as possible. Some potential exploitation films, though, have been able to transcend their origins and become art, which disqualifies them from earning the label. For this reason two similar films from the same genre might not both qualify as exploitation movies, despite their apparent similarities. The best example of this being Sean Cunningham’s Friday the 13^th and John Carpenter’s Halloween. Though both films were made quickly, cheaply, and in pursuit of a quick buck, Carpenter’s ambition is immediately apparent from the first shot. On the other hand, Cunningham’s indifference is just as obvious. Made for the same reason and under the same circumstances, only Friday the 13^th qualifies as exploitation. Halloween is art.

That’s not to say that an exploitation movie is therefore automatically without merit. So long as it doesn’t make its audience feel like it was ripped off or suckered in by an unmet promise, it can be considered a success. Every exploitation film makes a promise. The good ones deliver on that promise and the bad ones don’t.

As frequently noted by exploitation movie legend Roger Corman, exploitation films are no longer the sole domain of low-budget filmmakers. By the standards described above, many major Hollywood blockbusters easily qualify as exploitation movies.

E

is for Exploitation

and

Exploitation

is

Excellent

The ABCs of B-Movie Bullsh*t -- D is for Drive-In

D

is for Drive-In

During the height of their popularity drive-ins become synonymous with B-Movies in the minds of many filmgoers. This was not originally the case, as many drive-ins did show first run prestige studio pictures when they first started, but stopped when they discovered they could sell just as many tickets for the much cheaper to rent films made available by smalltime regional distributors.

The fact was that for most people the film itself was secondary to the whole drive-in experience. With often-inferior sound and projection, the film mattered less than the combination of communal ritual and the privacy afforded by your vehicle. An excuse to get out of the house, hang-out and perhaps get lucky with your date, it really didn’t matter what was playing, so long as it offered some action, sex and an occasional laugh or scare.

As a result “drive-in” and “B-Movie” grew to mean the same thing. If you wanted to see the latest major studio blockbuster, you went to a “hard top” theater. If you wanted to see the latest Roger Corman movie you went to the drive-in.

Eventually, though, the drive-in habit began to wane. The privacy that made the ritual so appealing was made unnecessary with the popularity of the VCR and people found other places to hang out. Many drive-ins tried to fight their own obsolescence by once again showing major studio films (the first memory I can put a date on occurred at the Twin Drive-in. There I watched Star Wars in the back of the Dombrosky's wood panelled station wagon during the film's 1978 summer re-release. I was 2 and ½ years old), but by then it was too late.

Today the association between drive-ins and B-Movies remains, largely due to the efforts of enthusiasts such as John Bloom (aka Joe-Bob Briggs) who have worked hard to keep the memory of the drive-in experience alive.

D

is for Drive-Ins

and

Drive-Ins

were

Dazzling

The ABCs of B-Movie Bullsh*t -- C is for Canuxploitation

C

is for Canuxploitation

Popularized by Toronto film reviewer, Paul Corupe, the term "Canuxploitation" can be used to reference any Canadian made exploitation film, but is traditionally associated with a specific period in the history of Canadian film in which the federal government offered tax incentives to anyone who invested in a film production as a way to spur the the country's movie industry. Though the plan proved successful in increasing production, the legislators responsible for the initiative failed to take into account that the kind of investor most likely to take advantage of it would also be inclined to invest only in those productions capable of turning a profit. As a result the arthouse was ignored in favour of the grindhouse.

C-List American actors were shipped across the border to star in low-budget versions of traditional Hollywood genre fare. Very few of these films acknowledged their Canadian roots and were set in generic American cities. This allowed them to more easily play in American cinemas, which enabled efforts such as Meatballs and Porky's to quickly become the most successful Canadian films up to that time. That said, a specifically Canadian aesthetic did manage to transcend Canuxploitation's deliberately generic packaging. Canadian genre films of the period were noted for frequently having a bleak quality that stood out amongst their American counterparts. They also often featured more subdued colour palates that made them stand out visually.

Eventually the government ended the tax shelter program, but Canadian filmmakers benefited from "runaway" Hollywood productions that moved up north to take advantage of the then-favourable exchange rate and lower labour costs. While some of these films can be considered Canuxploitation, many are virtually impossible to distinguish from traditional Hollywood product and are instead thought of as American productions made in a foreign location.

C

is for Canuxploitation

and

Canuxploitation

is

Cool

The ABCs of B-Movie Bullsh*t -- B is for Blaxploitation

B

is for Blaxploitation

In 1971 Hollywood made a shocking discovery--black people went to the movies too. The two films that allowed them to reach this conclusion were Shaft and Sweet Sweetback's Baadasssss Song. The first was a studio picture, the second was made independently and both would have a tremendous impact on the entire decade. It turned out that "urban" audiences were desperate to see images of themselves onscreen and went to the movies more often than their less-"urban" contemporaries. The result was a genre unto itself given the controversial name of Blaxploitation. Though most often associated with low-budget action films, Blaxploitation encompassed virtually every known genre, including horror, westerns, musicals, melodrama, romance, and comedy.

Blaxploitation faced criticism both as an overall concept and for its content. Some of those who participated in the making of the films bristled at the notion that they and their audience were some how being "exploited". They argued that for the first time black actors had the chance to play leading roles in mainstream films and black audiences now had characters they could identify with. How was that exploitation? The answer to this came from (mostly white liberal) critics who argued that Blaxploitation films placed too much of an emphasis on negative cultural stereotypes and featured many films made by white writers and directors in which the black protagonists were pimps, hookers, drug dealers, addicts, thieves, con men and other kinds of anti-heroes that helped perpetuate urban criminality rather than serve as an uplifting respite from it.

As is often the cases in these situations, both points of view were entirely valid. These films did allow many talented black actors to play roles they had never played before and never would again, but too often these roles did require them to enact a white scenarist's skewed view of a culture they obviously didn't understand.

Today, Blaxploitation is fondly remembered more for its dated fashion and  slang than the actual quality of the film's themselves. Parodies of the genre, such as the hilarious Black Dynamite, are invariably more affectionate than biting. And though the genre petered out at the beginning of the 80s, largely due to the rise of suburban multiplexes and a general dissatisfaction with the overall quality of the films, its influence remains today and can be seen in any urban action film starring the latest rapper looking to expand upon his record career.

B

is for Blaxploitation

and

Blaxploitation

was

Baadasssss

The ABCs of B-Movie Bullsh*t -- A is for A.I.P.

A

is for A.I.P.

Samuel Z. Arkoff and James H. Nicholson did not believe movies were art. They had no reverence for relevance. They were businessmen, pure and simple. Their methodology was ingenious. Come up with an insanely catchy tile (I Was a Teenage Werewolf). Hire a talented artist to create a poster based on that title. Show the poster to film buyers. Rake in the cash, and then hire people to actually make the movie. As backwards as this may sound, there was no arguing with their success. During a time when the studios were fighting a losing battle against television, A.I.P. understood that the real money was in the kids who couldn't stand being cooped up inside with their parents, so they made movies for drive-ins that offered up all of the scares, skin and laffs kids craved.

For star power they hired older actors who the studios no longer wanted. The result was big names for budget prices. They formed a deal with a plucky young go-getter named Roger Corman, and as a result grandfathered the 70s movie revolution. They made good movies (Dr. Goldfoot and the Bikini Machines). They made bad movies (Dr. Goldfoot and the Girl Bombs). They even ventured out and made some expensive movies (Meteor), but in the end the quality meant less than the quantity--A.I.P. made a lot movies and ended up defining B-Movie cinema as we still know it.

A

is for A.I.P.

and

A.I.P.

was

Awesome